A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you
a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks
was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle".
There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For
financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and
go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the country
to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.
The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."
The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"
The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens
and lay more eggs."
The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do
all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and
breathing heavily.
The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is
practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."
The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your
chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."
Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a
guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck. As
soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a
chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...
The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"
Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all
the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs
after the dog, and does him too. The farmer is starting to get a little worried. Brewster
then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing
after the farmer's wife! Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere.
He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a
flock of vultures circling overhead.
The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's
happened."
Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who
asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet.
Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He
left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet
opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.
The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How
much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost
$330?"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the
cat scan."
A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. The horse fell into a mud hole and is
started to sink. The horse instructed the chicken to get the farmer so that he could be
pulled to safety. The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer was nowghere to be found.
Without a moment to spare, the chicken got into the farmer’s BMW and drove back to
the mud hole. Then, the chicken tied some rope around the bumper, threw the other end
of the rope to her friend, the horse, and proceeded to pull the horse to safety. A few
days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time around,
the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken instructed the horse to get the
farmer so that she could be pulled to safety.
Replied the horse, "Here’s the plan... I’ll stand over the hole..."
The horse stretched over the length of the hole and continued, "Now, jjust grab for
my penis and pull yourself to saftey."
The chicken obliged reluctantly and pulled herself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up
chicks.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an
accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog
called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member. To show off, the engineer
called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk
and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper. Everyone
agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do
better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule
went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the
cookies into four equal piles of three each.
Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his
dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass
from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a
drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union
member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?" The Union member stood up,
called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper,
screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a
grievance report for
unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick
leave.
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one
summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its
owner. "What do I owe you?" asked the woman.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you
Maine people... you're always trying to overcharge us summer visitors. Whatever do you do
in the winter, when we're not being ripped off?"
"Raisin' porcupines, Ma'am."
A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the
Bronx. He cleared his throat and then asked, "Um, err, which one of you gentlemen
owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams,
turned slowly on his chair, and looked down at the quivering little man. "It's my
dog. Who's asking?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog
just killed your Doberman, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you
have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"A four week old puppy!" roared the biker, "How could your four week old
puppy kill my Doberman?"
"Well, it appears that your Doberman choked on it, sir."
A good whale and a bad whale are swimming aimlessly in the middle of the ocean, when one
of them notices a whaling ship nearby. "Hey!" says the bad whale. "Let's go
ram that ship and sink it!"
"Oh, no! We couldn't do that!" acknowledges the good whale, angellically. The
bad whale thinks for a minute... "Well then, let's at least swim in circles around it
and spray the people on board."
The good whale agrees reluctantly. They swim over to the boat and spray water from their
blow holes. During the commotion, one of the sailors falls overboard.
"Quick!" says the bad whale. "Now's your chance! Go eat him up!"
"Listen buddy," replies the good whale, "I agreed to do the blowjob, but
I'm not swallowing any seamen!"
Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were. The first mouse slams
a shot of Bailey’s and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one
on purpose and just as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or
thirty
times." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey’s.
The second mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s and says, "That's nothing. I take
those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them jjust for the fun of it." And with
that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey’s.
The third mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s, gets up and walks away. The first two mice
look at each other, and then ask of the third mouse, "Where the hell are you
going?"
The third mouse turns casually and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
A farmer was trying to breed three sow hogs so he took them into town to the stud hog
service. Once the hogs had finished breeding for the day, the stud owner explained,
"If you see your hogs rolling in the mud, then they're pregnant. If they're basking
in the sun, then the breeding was unsuccessful."
The next morning, the hogs were basking in the sun, so the farmer put them back into the
truck and repeat drove back to town. The next day, the farmer noticed the same thing.
His hogs weren't in the mud, rolling around, so he figured they weren't pregnant. Again,
he loaded them into the truck and drove back to the stud service.
The next morning, the farmer couldn't bear to look at his hogs, so he asked his wife,
"What are they doing?"
His wife responded, "Well, there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is
the hogs aren't rolling in the mud. The good news is they're already in the truck, and one
of them is honking the horn!"
