A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo and, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills off brain cells.
Naturally, the alcohol attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. As a result,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain
a faster and more
efficient machine....
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the
back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he
returns to the bar and orders three more pints.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it... It would taste
better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the
other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd
drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.
The Irishman soon becomes a regular in the bar, always ordering three pints and drinking
them in turn.
One day, though, the Irishman approaches the bartender and orders only two pints. All the
other regulars notice this and fall silent. When the Irishman returns to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally
arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up
the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and
headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got
a sore ass, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc ?"
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find
anything wrong. It must be the drinking."
"Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you
sober up."
My god! What happened to you ?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised."He must have had something in his hand." "Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand ?" "Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager ?" she asks, softly stroking his face,with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me ? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused."Is there anything I can do ?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or handsoap in the ladies room."
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
