The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a
discussion with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to
make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "Dear, when two people love, honor, and
respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want to
know how to make your great lasagna."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a
middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume
bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what
he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess
who?' "
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move.
When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her
blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that
night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately,
Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and
hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best
friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home
until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even
the best of friends must part."
When his wife's snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom
medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth.
"Awk, glub!" choked his startled wife. "What the..."
"It's okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin," he explained.
"Why? I don't have a headache!"
"Great!" said Harry, triumphantly. "Let's fuck!"
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realize the germs in our drinking
water. But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else."
The dietician peered into
the crowd and asked, "Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring
to?"
A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.
"Yes, you, sir, in the first row," said the dietician. "Please give us your
idea."
The man grinned and blurted, "Wedding cake!"
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said,
"Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me
tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and
nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think,
honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at
this breakfast table together."
"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds
fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other's in your oatmeal!"
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've
got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please
mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these
horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and
cook..."
John asks his wife what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would
you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," she replies.
"Well, how about a new Mercedes sports car?"
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?"
She again rejects his offer with a, "No thanks."
"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?"
"John, I'd like a divorce!" she demands.
"Sorry, dear, I wasn't planning to spend that much!"
A man and his new bride were in their honeymoon suite on the night of their wedding. They
had never been intimate. When the new wife shyly suggested they get undressed the man said
he needed to make a confession. He told his new wife that he was built like a baby. The
new wife pondered over this for a moment and then gently told him that is was ok and they
would work it out. Then the man unzipped his pants and his penis rolled out and fell to
the floor. The wife gasped and said, 'I thought you said you were built like a baby?'
The husband replied, 'I am, 6 lbs. 8ozs, and 22 inches long!'
A man comes home very excited.
"I have just won the lottery. Quick pack your bags!"
"Are we going on Holiday?" asks the wife.
"No just get out of 'ere! I've won the divorce case."
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring
on the wrong finger?"
The other woman replied, "Yes, because I married the wrong man."
