JOKES PLAZA | ARCHIVES | DIRTY JOKES 1

Dirty Jokes

Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over to Ma, grabbed her boob and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get milk out of them things, I surely wouldn't need all those cows over there."
Pa then grabbed Ma's crotch and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need all those chickens over there."
Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his dick and said, "You know, Pa, if I could get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbor."

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"
"I'm willing, let's go," she said.
They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the old grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".
Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"
"Sure would like to get some action tonight," said the old man.
"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished."
"What did you say?" asked the old man.
"You heard me - you're all finished."
"Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, and married, with four kids and eleven grandchildren... Last night I had an affair. I made love to a couple of 18 year old girls... both of them... twice!"
"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" asked the priest.
"Never Father. I don't belong to your church."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"You kidding?" grinned the geezer. "I'm telling everybody!"

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"
The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

A man returns from the Middle East feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes the man to Beth Israel Hospital in NYC to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, "We've received the results back from your tests. We've found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes."
"Oh my gosh," cries the man, "Doc! What am I going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asks the man, curiously.
"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his proud father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jjump?" asked the father.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. When we got up in the plane, the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then, the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally, he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So, the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his member out from his pants. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your butt!'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a tattoo.
'What can I do for you?' asked the tattoo artist. 'Well,' the man replied, 'I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my donger.'
'I've never that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?'
'Well, I really like watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!'