Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual
problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the
coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright,
you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me
an erection either."
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every
time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I
think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come
to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"My fee is $100 per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on it, and
I'll get back to you."
Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to
see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For $100 a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for $10!"
"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the
other end. "Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car
accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitantly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will
likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
One day, Paul complained to his friend, "You know, my elbow is killing me. I guess I
should see a doctor."
"Don't do that!" said his friend. "There's a computer at the drug store
that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply feed the computer a
sample of your urine and it will diagnose your problem for only $10 bucks."
Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and walked to
the drug store. Then, he poured the urine sample into the computer and deposited $10
bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing.
After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better
in two weeks.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change
medical science forever, Paul began to wonder if the computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his pet
dog, and urine samples from both his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the mix.
The next day, Paul returned to drug store and poured the sample into the computer.
Next, he deposited $10 bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of
lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which
read:
'Your tap water is too hard... get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm... bathe him
with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine... put her in a rehab clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and they aren't yours... get a lawyer. And, if you
don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.'
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital,
she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer
carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome
baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma,
your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all
together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked,
"What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
A man goes to the Doctor and says "Doctor I think my wife's been dead for two
weeks."
"Dead for two weeks, how did you work that out?"
"Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to buildup!"
Five-year-old Julie answered the door when the census
taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy wasa doctor and wasn't home
because he was performing anappendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little
girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the
anesthesiologist!"
A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her place and things are starting to heat
up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands.He takes his pants off and washes hands
again.
So the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist."
Surprised he says: "that's correct, how did you know?"
"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it."
They go on and they have sex.
Then she says: "you know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist."
"How can you tell?" he asks.
"I didn't feel a thing..."
Calling a nurse he knew after midnight, the guy said, "I really
am sorry to call you so late at night, but I have -- well -- an
erection that just won't subside and it occurred to me that you
might know what to do with it."
"It's pretty late for a housecall," she said, "so I suggest you
take a long cold shower. If that doesn't succeed in reducing
the swelling, though, use it to dial me again."
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.
"Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news ?" "The guy was your doctor."
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once" and he replied that that was all it took. Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"
