Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks ? No one seen you around." "Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail." "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail ?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail." "But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!",Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"
The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said:"So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:"So, where y'all from, bitch?"
A Polish gentleman walks into the store and asks the proprietor for a Polish sausage. The proprietor says "Are you Polish?" Polish guy, indignant, says "If I asked for a bagel, would you ask me if I was Jewish ?" Proprietor says "No." "If I asked for a pizza, would you ask me if I were Italian ?", thePolish guy said, even more indignantly. Proprietor says "No.", wistfully. Then the Polish guy, even MORE upset asked "So what's the big deal abouta Polish sausage, then? Proptietor says "Well, sir, this is a hardware store.
Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have as their last meal.
The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza."
So, the Italian is promptly served his meal request, and then executed.
The Frenchmen responds, "Filet Mignon."
So, the Frenchmen is promptly served his meal request, and then executed.
The Jew responds, "Strawberries."
"Strawberries?" questions the executioner.
"Yes, strawberries," demands the Jew.
"But they're out of season!"
"Well, then, I guess I'll wait..."
A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the distance, a fine looking young lassie (girl!).After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight in the eye and says, "Can I smell your fanny ?" to which she, not altogether unsurprisingly replies "You certainly can
NOT!!" He nonchalantly turns to her and says, "Oh, it must be your feet then."
Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered around him. Through
half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked, "Mama-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Sammy-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Isadore-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rosalie-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rachel-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who's
watching the store?"
Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
An Irishman named O'Sullivan arrived at Pearson Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No, I've lost
all my luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out."
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll
blow his bloody fingers off!"
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
Q. What do you call an Irishman who has 1,500 girlfriends?
A. A shepherd!
A Man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. Then a man setting next to him, a big hulking powerhouse of a man, turns and says menacingly, "I'm Polish. Now you just wait a minute till I get my sons."
He then calls out "Ivan! come out here and bring your brother".
The two men bigger than the first appear from the back of the room.
"Josef!" the man calls out, " you and your cousin come in here,"
Two more men bigger than all of, come in through the back door. All five men crowd around the man with the joke.
"Now says the first Polish man, 'DO YOU WANT TO FINISH THAT JOKE?"
"Nah," says the man.
"Oh no? And why not?" says the Polish man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
"No says the man, "I just don't feel like having to explain it five times.
A woman with a baby in her arms was screaming from a third floor window. The crowd below shouted, "Throw the baby down and we'll catch it!!"
The woman replied, "NO! It'll be killed!!."
At that moment, out of the crowd stepped O'Reilly.
He shouted up to her, "I'm the Irish goalie, and I've never dropped a ball yet. Throw the baby down and I'll catch it!."
The woman trusted him, and dropped the baby towards him. Just then, a gust of wind blew the baby to one side. O'Reilly dived and caught the baby. The crowd cheered wildly.
O'Reilly bounced the baby three times and kicked it over the roof.
