Politically correct usage when talking
to/about females:
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove
their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them
gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't
drive. -- No further testing is planned.
A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation.
She was awake , so he examined her. " You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again
Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I ?"
He replied, 'Yes , you'll be fine Miss Lewinski. It's just that no one has ever asked me
that after having their tonsills out."
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned
about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the
late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were
going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he
would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten
but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad
said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to
go?"
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get
some spaghetti, is she ready?"
Father felt this one was OK too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.
The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.
A Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young man.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I
built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they
call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface
down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.
But do they call me McGreggor the-Bar-builder ? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the
eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.
But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat..."
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to
open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her
situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to
be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank
and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback,
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man
said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for
safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan
and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in
interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you
are a millionaire.
Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks
and pay only $15.40?"
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking
solemnly along,
followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up
to
the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My
mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your
dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this
woman and all professionalism immediately goes out the window. Right away he tells her to
undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this, he says to
the woman, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sex with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes.
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they
gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in
the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes
under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you", she
replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in
two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man
clapping his hands
together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky
moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little
bastards!"
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he
decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a
new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I
could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo
and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money
because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment,
returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the
rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to
marry the one with the biggest boobs.
