A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his
nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," as the reporter.
"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer.
"And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women."
Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by,
followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in
one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked
at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.
"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.
Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away
sometimes!"
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day, he went into the nursing office
and informed the nurse that his penis had died.
The nurse realized that Mr. Smith was an old, forgetful gentleman, so she decided to play
along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing home. To the nurse's
surprise, his penis was hanging outside his pants. "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me
your penis had died?"
"It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an
old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for
you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It
would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering,
"Oh oh!"
The old geezer asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart
murmur.
Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, of course I do!" exclaimed the man.
"Well," explained the doc, "I'm afraid with
this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half of your sex life."
The perplexed, old man asked, "Which half? The looking or
the thinking?"
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in
a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you
doing?"
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?"
he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no
shirt on, and I got a stiff neck... This is your Grandma's idea."
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man's pie, and
then took a seat at the counter. Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit
into his glass of milk, and then took a seat at the counter. Finally, a third biker
verbally attacked the old man, knocked his plate of food into his lap, and then took a
seat at the counter.Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly
thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, "Not much of a man, is
he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck
over three motorcycles."
An old geezer visits his doctor for a routine
check-up and everything seems normal. Then, the doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all
that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick up
and bed three girls, none of whom were over twenty years old."
"My goodness, Frank, and at your age too," exclaimed thedoctor. "I hope you
took some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, doc, but I ain't senile yet... I gave 'emall a phony name."
After marrying a pretty young woman, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they
were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went
hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him.
Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that
bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a
virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been
laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't
worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11
o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck
between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it
came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the
time of your life!!!"
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the
woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he
say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I
spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
