A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex
education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally,
towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the
class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied
the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls
on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by
hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every
one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what
does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the
backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little
Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the
honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for
one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching
them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief
moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when
cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by
one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his
father standing there watching her.
Asked Johnny, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
When little Johnny arrived home from school, his mother asked if he'd enjoyed the field
trip.
"Yep, it was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."
"Pardon me!" exclaimed little Johnny's mother. "What did you just
say?"
"Oh, mom, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks."
"Don't tell me your teacher told you that cows were called that!"
"Well, actually, she called them heffers [pronounced F-ers] but we all knew what she
meant."
Little Johnny was at school one day. The classroom teacher said to the students,
"Today we're going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waved his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
"Alright, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny spoke proudly, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher smiled nervously and said, "Well, little Johnny, that's quite a
mouthful."
"No, miss,"replied little Johnny, "you're thinking of a blow job. I'm
talking about a wank!"
A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Mary raised her hand and said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw
all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher replied, "That's good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'
in a sentence."
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the
animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher replied, "Good, but I wanted the you to use the word 'fascinate' in a
sentence."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was all too
well known for his bad language. After a moment, the teacher reckoned that Little Johnny
wouldn't be able to brutalize the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him. Little
Johnny said, "My big sister has a sweater with ten buttons on it, but she can
only 'fasten-eight' because her tits are so big!"
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is, and she replies, "Gentlemen don't ask
ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again, she replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Then, Johnny asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
His mother shouts, "Go to your room, young man!"
On the way to his room, Johnny trips over his mother's purse and her driver's license
falls out. He glances at it and then says with a grin, "I know all about you now...
You're 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds, and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in
sex!"
Little Johnny runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points
at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?'
A little embarassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Johnny is satisfied with that
answer and goes back to playing. Some time later, he catches his mother in the shower
shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Johnny asks her, 'Where is your
sponge mommy?'
Again embarassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Johnny is
a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK
and goes back to showering. Soon, Johnny comes running back in and says that he has found
his mother's sponge.
'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?'
The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'
The teacher asked the class "Children, can you tell me which part of the body goes to
Heaven first?"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny
always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!' So, instead the
teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to
go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Susie, "That's very good, Susie!" Then, the teacher
calls on Mary.
Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to
Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"
The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it's your turn."
Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first."
The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that's very good! But, why do you suppose
your feet go to Heaven first?"
"Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent's room,
and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm cuming, I'm cuming!'"
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his
Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way
possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...but the youngster insisted on running back and
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so
annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's
uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon
returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For
the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players
continued without any further interruptions.After the poker game ended, the father asked
Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from
him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."
Little Johnny (eight years old) went into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist,
"I'd like a box of Tampax, please."
"Sure," said the pharmacist, "Is it for your mother?"
"No"
"Well then, is it for your sister?"
"No, it's for my little brother. I saw an ad on tv that if you use these, you'll be
able to swim and ride a bike, and he can't do any of those things yet."
Lil' Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word "penis" while they
were playing on the school yard. Johnny's friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Lil' Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home. That evening,
Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you."
So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants and proudly announced, "Son,
that's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it'sa perfect penis!"
The next day at school, Lil' Johnny found his friend and took him into the bathroom.
Johnny lowered his pants and said, "See that? That's a penis." He paused for a
moment and added, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it'd be
a perfect penis!"
Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local
park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum."Hey Johnny, wanna play
doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."
Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President.
A few days after Christmas, Li'l Johny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening
to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses on the fuckin' train and sit your ass down because were
leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come
down, you may play with your trains again, as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son comes out of his
room and resumes playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under
that seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about
the two hour delay, please see the fuckin' bitch in the kitchen..."
