A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over
lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
"THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he
would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you
going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the
road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he
swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at
the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't
see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that
lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. 'Tim, you
be first,' she said. 'What does your mother do all day?'
Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor.'
'That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?'
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said,
'My father is a mailman.'
'Thank you, Amie,' said the teacher.
'What about your father, Billy?'
Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.'
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she
went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father
said, 'I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?'
There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.
One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because
he can't see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, 'Well, you have long fur
covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.'
The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake,
'Come here and I will try to determine what you are.'
The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says,
'You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer.'
Q. What do a lawyer & a sperm have in common?
A. They both have about a million-in-one chance of becoming a real human being!
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real
thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white
collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for
fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just killed a
couple of lawyers."
A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.
He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be
heard.When his name was called late in the afternoon, hestood before the judge, only to
hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to
return the next day.
"What for!" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty
dollars for contempt of court! That's why!"
As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You
don't have to pay now.
"The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for
two more words."
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a Dalmatian?
A. A Dalmatian knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
Q. Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A. To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q. What's the difference between a baseball player and a lawyer?
A. In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a dog?
A. Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
Q. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A. How many can you afford?.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
Q. Why did God invent lawyers?
A. So that realtors would have someone to look down on.
I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of
character!
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax
return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable -in fact, it's so large,
they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains
-- a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce- a jar of regular scientist brains
for $15 an ounce, and- a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so
expensive ?". The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an
ounce of brain?"
