I hope that the packaging for the new Stayfree Maxipads
with baking soda includes a warning about the potential side effects of wearing a baking
soda laced feminine napkin after using a vinegar and water douche.
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking
solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single
file.Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was
in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My
mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your
dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that
he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could
take some of the pain from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's
burden.
Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it
on 10% to begin with, telling the man that even 10% was probably more pain than he'd ever
experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the
doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20% and when the man still felt fine, he raised it
to 50% and finally 520. After it was over, the man stood up and stretched a little. Both
he and his wife felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labour.
Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep!
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each
of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all
plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude
that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it
coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The
raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Two friends meet in the street. The one lad looked forlorn and almost on the verge of
tears. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved
in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me
forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the
bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a
million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"And this week - nothing!"
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to
see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your
chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do
once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical
engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other hand, I thought
I might write a book about my experiences here in the hospital and what it's like to be a
patient here." The patient continued, "People might be interested in reading a
book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history,
which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a
teapot."
Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a
question. The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door,
knock on the door."
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and
says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."
The little eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here
please?"
The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."
The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the
other question, ask her the other question."
The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well. Are there any midget nuns in
Alaska?"
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."
With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he
laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little eskimo, "I told you you
screwed a penguin!"
Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how
athletic and well- preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were
married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a
fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have
been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I
look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
A man called the church office. "I would like to speak to the 'head hog at the
trough.'"
"I'm sorry, who?" replied the church secretary.
"I would like to speak to the 'head hog at the trough.'"
"Well," said the church secretary, "if you mean the pastor, then you may
refer to him as Pastor or Brother, but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog
at the trough!'"
"Well, okay, but I was planning to donate $10,000 to the building fund..."
The church secretary interrupted, "Hang on, I think the big, fat pig just walked
in!"
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing
to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess
to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed
adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at
a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town
and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code
word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and
shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three
times this week!"
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he
used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay, doc," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
wife."
This is a true story of an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later, his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem
they were having. One of their multi-million dollar machines wasn't working and no one
knew how to fix it. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent the following
day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in
chalk on one particular component of the machine and proudly stated,
"Replace this part and the machine will work again." The part was replaced and,
sure enough, the machine worked like a charm, once again.
Some time later, the company received a bill for services rendered in the amount of
$50,000. The company was astounded and so they demanded an itemized accounting of the
engineer's charges. The engineer followed up with a letter which summarizeded the $50,000
invoice:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
The bill was paid.
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
'What are those knives doing in your car?' asked the officer.
'I juggle them in my act.'
'Oh yeah?' says the cop. 'Let's see you do it.'
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, 'Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test
they're making you do now!'
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a
leak in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the bathrooms, and he finally found a beautiful fountain with
foliage. Since nobody was watching, the man decided to take a leak in the fountain.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He looked
through the crowd in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second
act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices that his buddy has a cork up his butt.
He laughs out loud and remarks, "How the heck did you get a cork stuck up your
ass?"
His friends explains, "Well, you'll never guess... I was walking along the beach and
I tripped over a lamp...
There was a puff of smoke, and then a man in a turban appeared.
He said, 'I'm the genie and I'll grant you one wish...' And I said, 'No shit.'"
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls
coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me
horny and potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small
cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says,
"Here, if you take these you'll go wild for twelve hours!"
The guy responds, "Great! Gimme three boxes!"
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy,approaches the pharmacist, and pulls
down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror at man's black and blue member.
The man says, "I'm gonna need some Ben Gay cream."
The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on *that* are
you?"
"Nope, it's for my arms... the girls didn't show up."
Two southern girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch one evening. One girl
had just arrived back from New York and she was telling her girlfriend about some of the
sites she had seen in the big city.In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know,
they have women up there who have sex with other women."
In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call them?"
"They call them lesbians."
"And there's men who have sex with other men," says the women. "They call
them homosexuals." Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And,
they have these men up there that will put their face in a woman's privates and kiss and
lick all around..."
"Do tell!" gasps her friend, "What do they call them?"
"Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking in the desert together, when suddenly
one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. Then, he hollered
into the cave, "Woo! Woo! Woo!"
A moment later, the Indian heard a response, "Woo! Woo! Woo!"
So he tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.
The puzzled Polish fellow asked the other Indian what that was all about, and the Indian
replied, "It's mating time for us Indians, and when you see a cave and holler, a
response from the cave means that she is in there waiting for you.
The intrigued Pollack started running around the desert, looking for a cave to find a
women for himself. Sure enough, the Pollack soon found a large cave nearby. He thought to
himself, "Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the one that Indian found.
There must really be something really great in this cave!"So, the Pollack approached
the cave with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. When he was at the mouth of the cave, he
hollered, "Woo! Woo! Woo!" just as the Indian had done.
A moment later, the Pollack heard a response, "Woo! Woo! Woo!" So he tore off
his clothes and ran in to the cave.
The next day, the headlines in the local newspaper read, "Naked Pollack Run Over By
Freight Train!"
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically
abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed.
So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:
1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her,
3)would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there
wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then,
one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a
man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here about the ad
you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no
legs so I can't run away from you.'
The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?'
And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?'
