In a statement
released recently, Monica Lewinsky responsed to President Clinton's testimony:
"I've had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I
can't stomach any more. I feel like I'm getting the shaft. This ugly matter has come to a
head and has blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard,
that's when I'm at my best. I've faced hard things in the past, and I know what's coming.
I'll meet the challenge the only way I know how - head-on. I've licked bigger things than
this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't
a finisher. No one will ever say say that I quit before the job was done. I will work
nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I'm wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will
not be stained by it. Thank you."
A man passed away and went to Heaven. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, St.Peter said,
"Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here."
While walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather
clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that Heaven was
nothing more than a giant clock warehouse. The man questioned St. Peter, "What's the
deal? Why are all these clocks here in Heaven?"
"The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every
time that person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves ahead one minute." St. Peter
continued,
"For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. Sam sells a lot of used
cars, so the minute hand on his clock moves all day long."
The man and St. Peter continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock with cobwebs on the
minute hand. "Whose clock is that?" asked the man.
"That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people
on earth. I'll bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."
When the tour was finished, the man said, "You know, I've seen everyone's clock but
President Clinton's. Where's his clock?"
Saint Peter smiled and replied, "Look overhead. We use his clock for a ceiling
fan."
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give
him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If
my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff,
killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT
LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton,
"Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks:
"If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a
bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would
be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
would be no great loss!"
Famous Quotes by U.S. Presidents:
"Ich Bin Ein Berliner." John F. Kennedy.
"I'm not a crook." Richard M. Nixon.
"Mister Gorbachev, open that Gate." Ronald W. Reagan.
"Read my lips." George H.W. Bush.
"Suck my dick." William J. Clinton.
What do Clinton and a carpenter have in common?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
Clinton: "I never asked her to lie....but I did ask her to kneel...."
I never told her to lie in her disposition, I told her to lie in this position...... Bill
Clinton.
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen
whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I
didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".
President Clinton looked up from his desk in the Oval Office
and noticed one of his aides nervously approaching.
"What is it?" exclaimed the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill -- what do you want to do about it,Mr. President?"
asked the aide.
"Er, just go ahead and pay it," sighed the President.
Bill Clinton is looking out of the window of the oval
office and he notices that someone has urinated the message, 'BILL SUCKS!' on a wall
outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples
from every member of the White House staff and to find the culprit immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls. 'Mr. President, I have good news and bad news,' he
says. 'The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole.'
'And the bad news?' Clinton demands.
After a slight pause, the director replies, 'Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife.'
An American and a Russian talk about their governments. "Ours is a free country," says the American. "Once, I was inLangley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I urinated near the CIA headquarters." "Ours is a free country too," says the Russian. "Once, I wason Lubyanka square in Moscow, and couldn't find a publicrestroom, so I took a shit near the KGB headquarters." "And you got away with it ?" "Nobody saw it... I didn't even take my pants off."
Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Judgment. Judgment tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being worked over with a blow torch. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!" The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so." The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically. "Very well," says Judgment. "Monica, you may go.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school.
Can I ask you a
question?"
Dad: "Sure son, what's the question?"
Son: "What is POLITICS?"
Dad: "Well, let's take our home for example, I am the
wage earner so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the
administrator of the money so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and
your needs so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the WORKING
CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?"
Son: "I'm not really sure. Dad, I'll have to think
about it.
That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's
crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had
seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parents' room and found
his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking
through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The
boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid so the boy
returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning...
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS."
Dad: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."
Son: "Well, Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the
GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored and
the FUTURE is full of crap."
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
