Three men die in a car
accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a Christmas
flavor in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas
tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.
The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that
evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.
The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.
Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent
Christmas?"
The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know,
since summer started I've been having trouble with the flying bats in my loft and attic at
church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off.
Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the
narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"
The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and
they haven't seen one back since!"
A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The
convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several
prostitutes approach and proposition him.
Twenty bucks a trick!'
These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets
to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, 'What
is a trick?'
She answers, 'Twenty bucks -- just like on the street.
A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of
years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn't have made it without
his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with
me?"
The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us
two martinis please!"
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was
in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He
offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and
noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he
immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the
back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so
she slowly she made her way towards him.
The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her
to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation.
She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and
him and him."
One day a Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting.
When in the woods he came upon a tiger. The man started running and he ran for a while
until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. And at this moment he was almost face
to face with the tiger.Then he said "Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for
you to give me it would be to make this tiger a Christian."
And at that instant.....
The tiger halted to a stop and dropped on his knees and said "Dear Lord thank you for
the food I am about to receive"!!
Three boys are in the school-yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls ita song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and anyone who could think
of a hymn that involved that word,just start singing and we will all join in.He called out
WOOD...and in just a second 10 people startedsinging The "Old Rugged Cross." He
called out LOVE, and a little 6 year old started singing "Jesus Loves me. "He
then called out SEX. Not a sound. Again he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back
row suddenly stood up and started singing, "Precious Memories".
A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair
with a woman... almost."
"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest.
"You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the
poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He
pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.
The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims,"I saw that... you didn't put
any money in the poor box!"
"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it
in!"
Two priests were riding very fast on a
motorcycle. They were stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think
you are doing? What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed
to ride on a motorcycle."
What's the difference between a nun in church and a whore in a bath tub ?
The nun has hope in her soul.
The whore has soap in her hole.
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to
deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the
priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new
doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car
garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car
garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more
serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the
blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
