A man writes to a costume hire
company and says.
"I am going to a fancy dress party, I have a bald head and a wooden leg, what can I
go as?"
The costume company writes back to the man and says. "With a bald head and a
wooden leg, we suggest you go as a Pirate, and we have a terrific Long John Silver outfit
you can hire for just £40".
The man writes back to the company and says. "I have a bald head, a wooden leg, and a
terrible job, I can't afford £40, what else can I go as?"
The company writes back and says. "You have a bald head, a wooden leg and you can't
afford £40, so we suggest you go as Captain Cooke, and we have a great costume you can
rent for only £20"
The man writes back and says. "I have a Bald head, a Wooden leg, and a terrible,
terrible job, I can't afford £20, what else can I go as?"
The company writes back. "You have a Bald head, a wooden leg, and you can't afford
£20, we suggest you pour syrup over your head, take your leg off , put it in your mouth
and go as a toffee apple"...
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said,"Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil allover him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered."Just pretend you're a
statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked theidea so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the "statue". Later that night they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned
with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
What is it?
Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace never used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
?
?
?
?
?
Answer: A last name...were you thinking of something else?
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out
of bed and checked around the
house. She heard sobbing from the basement.After turning on the light and descending the
stairs, she found the husband
curled up into a little ball,sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried
about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?""And your father threatened me
to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
Top10 things that are dirty in law but aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200.00/hr., she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private
businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if
he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to
keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their
collection is late, and
sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the collector to ask
him where the money is. He can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter,"Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun, places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask
him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump
on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking
about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Man walks up to a farmer's house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the
man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man
knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell
away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the
following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband
hid with his Gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew
how to have sex, she said yes.
The man replied,"Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and
tell him to keep away from my wife".
Pat was not feeling very well, so he decided to go to a doctor. While he was waiting in
the doctor's reception room, a nun came out of the doctor's office. She looked very ashen,
drawn and haggard.
Pat went into the doctor's office and said to the doctor,
"I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman
look worse."
The doctor said, "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaimed, "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responded, "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
This guy has this really nice brand new Caddy that he enters in a Demolition Derby.
Another guy goes up to him and asks him why hes using such a nice car for something such
as this.
And the guy replies "Well my wife and I are getting divorced."
Then The second man asks him "Well whats that got to do with it?"
And the guy answers "The car's goes back to my ex in the morning."
